Wednesday, July 21, 2010


I'm officially tired of this. I've been getting tired of it for a while but now I'm there. I have arrived at tired and unpacked all my bags. I'm tired of thinking about it. Tired of crying about it. Tired of worrying about it. Tired of talking about it. Tired of blogging about it. And I think perhaps you are tired of reading about it! A piece from Wicked is ringing in my head:
All right, enough - so be it
So be it, then:

Let all Oz be agreed

I'm wicked through and through

Since I can not succeed

Fiyero, saving you

I promise no good deed

Will I attempt to do again

Ever again

No good deed

Will I do again!

My dad called me today. "Long time, no talk," I get. "Yep," I say. Thinking, the phone goes both ways. And, we've gone months without talking in the past, what's the diff now? But I guess I kinda know what the diff is now, don't I?

He wanted to talk about wedding stuff, and then started in about bio-mom. He asked about her at my shower. I told him she probably isn't coming because it's a small setting. She wants to come but she knows that could be a lot worse than the wedding. However, if my mom calls out sick to the shower, bio-mom will be there. And she could call out sick. She's generally a sickly person. Always has something currently wrong or is waiting on test results for something that might be wrong (ie. cancer). The current ailments are: pneumonia, kidney stones, and some kind of digestion/bowel/colon problem. Apparently she was in the emergency room last week. Thanks for the heads up, guys!

My mom told my dad all about our conversation a few weeks ago. My dad wanted to clear things up, I guess. Every time I speak to either one of them, they mention, "Well we're just upset because she said she'd never contact you. She sent us a letter saying, 'If you haven't told her about me yet, I'll just leave you alone but if you have, this is how you reach me'." My parents cannot let go of this. And every time they mention it, I repeat like a broke record, "Well I'm upset at you guys for never telling me I was adopted. I got over it. So can you."

My dad mentioned that I said to my mom that bio-mom said to me (confusing?) that she had a phone conversation with him where he said they would tell me I was adopted. My mom denies that my dad ever spoke to her. I suggested perhaps my dad didn't tell her about it because he's a pro at protecting her (and lying). Well my dad addressed this today. He denied it to me, directly. He said he never spoke to her. Now, the point is moot (that one's for you, Dawn) at this stage in the game. But... I don't like that someone is lying here. I am up to my eyeballs in lies. And y'all can think about me whatever you want, but I kinda believe bio-mom. My parents have lied about so many things. Things I won't even share with people because they are just such horrendous lies, I can't even bring myself to repeat them. And bio-mom has no reason to lie about it.

So I'm at the point where I'm just tired. I don't want to go back and forth anymore. If more lies will ensue then I'm fighting a losing battle. I'm throwing in the towel. My lines parallel with Wicked's something like this:
All right, enough - so be it
So be it, then:
Let my folks be agreed
I'm selfish through and through
Since I can not succeed
Mother, pleasing you
I promise no bad situation
Will I attempt to make good again
Ever again
No bad situation
Will I make good again!
And I will forever feel like a failure for it. There is a way. A way to make all of this better. But I just can't find it. Andrew keeps saying he'll talk to my mom for me (or in his words, "yell at her" for me). I appreciate the thought. But it is just further proof that I have failed. And hurt people along the way. Poor bio-mom has wondered and worried about me over the years and she was just trying to do the right thing by giving me up. I'm hurting my mom terribly with the way I want to live my life, and she has already been hurt so much by others. All this over a dumb teenage indiscretion that never shoulda happened. I'm gonna legally change my name to that. Dumb Teenage Indiscretion That Never Shoulda Happened. You can just call me "Dumb" for short. Or "Ms. Indiscretion" in a formal setting.


  1. I truly feel like the failure isn't yours. You're stuck in the middle of it, but it's not your fault. It's one of those things, it totally sucks, but there it is. May not make you feel any better about it, but I hope you're able to come to a peace about it and not feel at fault someday. Sometimes there just isn't a solution! I'm sorry friend!

  2. First of all "Dumb Teenage Indiscretion That Never Shoulda Happened" is a terrible name for you! {{{{SLAP}}}} That's me slapping you across the face. Wake up Christina, non of this is your fault even if it totally feels like it. It's hard when such a crazy thing unravels. Something worth having is never easy to get. Now it's never in most cases going to be perfect. And if you are dealing with bull headed people it's 100 times harder. Ok so your mom and dad aren't budging. Fine don't talk to them about bio mom. If they bring her up or ask about her you can say "you didn't want her apart of your life I am respecting your wishes by not sharing and say nothing else. Want Bio mom at your wedding then you invite her. You don't have to tell your parents you don't need their permission. Bio mom knows the sistuation. Invite her and say I would like you there very much but you know the sitsutation and I can't change it. The choice is then hers. It is then THEIR (bio-mom and your parents) on how they want to handle it if they bump into each other. I would be a little safe by not sitting them at the same table LOL. FYI I sat my Grandma at the table across from my Real Dad's Dad and she never saw him the whole wedding. If your parents keep pushing asking about bio mom being there say I tried to work this out with you and you didn't want to be flexable and leave it at that. Again respecting your wishes by not discussing bio mom with you. You have voiced and shared your thoughts and been honest to all parties. Your a beautiful person and desever alot more understanding in regards from your parents but you can't always change a person/s way of thinking. If you want to quit that's your choice. I will stand behind you in what ever you choose. (PS I still like reading your blog) but don't give up a part of you or something you want to please everyone else. Do what you need for you. Screw everyone else.

  3. The time has obviously come for you to stop protecting and "babysitting" everyone's emotions. That isn't your responsibility regardless of what psychological mind fuck you've been put through by your parents. The simple and harsh reality of this entire situation is that (as an adult) you don't respect the integrity of your own parents. What was left of it went out the window when bio-mom contacted you and your whole perception of family turned upside-down. In my opinion, you have every right to feel exhausted and fed up. You have every right to feel angry and confused and to demand explanations.
    Your parents are guilty. There, I'll say it. I think most of us are treading lightly out of respect for you and your relationship with them. They seem to know exactly how to distract you with emotion from the logical truth. If they were forced to be adult and quit throwing tantrums, all the beans might spill and that is their worst fear.
    Christina, never compromise your own integrity or underestimate your own worth. You are a great woman with a beautiful heart and a brilliant mind. One of the hardest tasks in life is loving those you don't respect. Stand by your decisions and assert your freedom to choose what is best and right for you. You shouldn't feel guilt for being happy and anyone who wishes you to do so doesn't have your best interest at heart.

    Hang in there, stay strong, and above all be happy! xoxoxo

  4. Your other friends have already said it but I'll say it again and again and AGAIN! This is not your fault. I know that things have been rough going lately, but this too shall pass. Focus on the honeymoon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love you Christina and I'm sorry I've been MIA at lunch lately. I wish I had better words of wisdom, but please know that this isn't your fault and it will pass and soon you will be on your honeymoon so poop on everything else!

    p.s. you are a brat but the point is moot!