Wednesday, August 26, 2009

It's All Happening!

It looks like it's going to happen over Labor Day weekend. I'm going to meet bio-mom. I'm so nervous. I'm a bit sick to my stomach just thinking about it. I know it's stupid, but I'm just worried that she'll be disappointed somehow: that she'll think I'm weird or crazy or stupid or she'll be further disappointed that I don't look like her (although she already knows that from pictures). I know it doesn't really matter. I have nothing to lose here! I didn't know about her a few months ago so if for some reason we lost touch, it wouldn't change my life any, right?

As much as I try to convince myself of that, it isn't true. There will be something lost, something missed and my life will be changed if I lost touch with her. Because now there is something there. There is opportunity. The opportunity to get to know her and be great friends with her, and bio-sis and even bio-mom's husband (bio-stepdad? bio-husband? not sure what nickname to give him). I do want this to go well. I can't imagine ever thinking of her like a mother but it's clearly not just a "friend" either. It's almost like meeting a long-lost aunt, I guess. I don't just want this to go well for myself. I want it for my future children. I have always been a bit sad that my kids wouldn't have a very big family. Andrew has 6 half-siblings, none of which he grew up with, all are much older, and only 1 we sometimes see and talk to. My sister is so much older than me, she'll feel more like an aunt to my kids. My kids won't have any cousins their age either. So now with bio-mom, that's another "aunt-like" figure for my future children. In addition to the future kids, I also want this for Andrew. I want him to have 2 mother-in-laws to have to answer to! [inserts bitchy snicker here]

Now the only question is, where do we meet? Do I have her come to my house? I kind of like that idea because it's private but I also kind of like the idea that there may be distractions if we meet at someplace neutral. Maybe a well-chosen, quiet restaurant or a park or the beach or even at her friend's house. Part of the reason she is coming to California is because her friends have invited her family out for the long weekend. So, there's that option but with all of these options comes strangers. And those who know me best know how much I LOVE [please apply your own unique sarcastic tone to that] having my life and emotions put on display in front of anyone, let alone strangers. So, where to meet? Votes? Ideas, anyone??

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

The Cat's Out of the Bag

Bio-mom sent me an email this morning... just like every other morning, but this time there was a new development involving bio-sis. The email went something like this:

Well, it's over. We had a discussion last night [bio-mom, her husband and her daughter] about trust and honesty and she told me that I wasn't being honest with her. I asked her what she thought I wasn't being honest about and she said it was "you." She found a letter I wrote to you a while back and got returned.

So, bio-sis has known all along! She knew about me before I knew about me....HA! At least she wasn't the last one to know. This is kinda comical and I should have seen this coming. I found out so many things my parents tried to keep from me in order to protect me (present situation excluded). When you break down this situation, you can clearly see that bio-sis was being sensitive about the situation and protecting bio-mom a bit. She could have easily confronted her mom right away or called her out on it any time since she found the letter but she must have thought about it and didn't want to hurt her mom. I think it's thoughtful of bio-sis. Bio-mom asked bio-sis if she had any interest in meeting me. Bio-sis's response was, "Yes, she is a part of me." That was nice to "hear." I would love to get to know her but she's a 16 year old girl... they aren't always rational, you know? I just don't want her to feel weired out by my existence or feel like I'm trying to push myself on her. I'm not. Not at all. If she doesn't want anything to do with me, I'll get over it.

I was forming a new blog post in my head this week. It was going to be titled... "Stalling" because bio-mom was kind of stalling on telling bio-sis... out of some fear for her daughter, for herself, for the stability of her family. She told me last week that she was thinking the coming weekend would be a good time to tell her. But then she emailed me on Monday that bio-sis was not feeling well so she didn't want to have that talk then.... it "wasn't a good time." Stalling.

So, now bio-mom is free to tell her extended family and her friends about me. She was waiting because she didn't want to tell other people and risk them bringing it up around bio-sis without bio-sis knowing yet. Bio-mom says she is eager to tell everyone about me because she's so proud of the person I have become and how great I am, yadda yadda. Just a reminder that she doesn't know me very well yet! HA!

This brings us to the point of having a REAL discussion about meeting [biting my nails at the thought of that]. She thinks they might come to California over Labor Day weekend. That is only a couple of weeks away. YIKES! My stomach turns a bit with nerves and anticipation [do you see that? No, of course you don't... I'm biting my nails again as I pause in typing this blog - STOPPIT CHRISTINA!].

So, it's getting even more "real" folks. Really really real. The real deal. Fo' real. Fo' sho. Fo' shizzle my nizzle. The universe is screaming 'THIS IS YOUR LIFE, BIOTCH' in my face.... Ay Dios Mio!

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Who is Daniella Salazar???

I have worked very very hard to know who I am... to know what I want, to understand my strengths and my limitations. But now, every once in a while, I wonder who I might have been. I'm sure everyone wonders about "What if I had made this choice differently?" or "What if this event hadn't happened?" Finding out that I'm adopted has brought me a new round of those questions.

When I was growing up, I didn't look very much like my parents (and I was suspicious), but I didn't look very different from them either. Bio-mom has posted pictures on Facebook. She has blonde hair and blue eyes. I do not. So, I have wondered from time to time... was there a mix up here? Was there another child at the hospital being put up for adoption that day? Do I have to hurl myself into a 1980's made-for-tv movie and start looking into this?

Well, I found an explanation for that early on... bio-mom tells me that bio-dad is Hispanic. So, that explains things a bit. I guess the Hispanic gene is stronger than the blonde German gene (TAKE THAT, HITLER... UP YOURS!). My name was almost Daniella Salazar (Dani for short). I was almost raised with exposure to some cultural heritage. Bio-mom says bio-dad didn't speak Spanish but his parents did. I just wonder what my life may have been like growing up with that. I just can't help but wonder, who is Daniella Salazar? What is she like? Would Christina Williams like her? Would she be very different from me? Happier? Better off? Or maybe she would be lame? I don't know... but I can't help but wonder.