Thursday, February 4, 2010

Breaking the News

I have been completely stressing out about the next hurdle I had to jump in all this adoption drama. I think I have mentioned before, I want to invite bio-mom to the wedding. But I was certain that my mom wouldn't take it too well. I was right and I was wrong.

I took the brilliant advice of an excellent friend and presented it like this:

"Mom, I would like to invite [bio-mom] to the wedding. And perhaps that wouldn't be the best place to meet her for the first time. So, I wanted to leave it up to you, so just think about this... do you want to meet her before the wedding and if so, how, when and where?"

Mom replied:

[long sigh - aaaaaaahhhhhhhh] "I knew it. I saw this coming" [slightly more brief, exhaling sigh - oohhhhhhh] and then [crying now], "it's just hard for me."

I tried, unsuccessfully to soften the blow:

"Just her, her husband and her daughter. You can meet them however you want. I am leaving it up to whatever you feel comfortable with. Talk about it with Dad. Just think about it and we'll talk about it later."

She sucked it up, made herself quit crying (or at least SOUND like she had quit crying) and said, "Okay, we'll talk about it. I can... I can do it."

Me: "Okay, thank you."

Then we chatted a bit more about less important things and that was that. Oh god, I can already feel the chunks start to rise up in my throat (Clueless nod). I am going to be so nervous on the day that they meet, which is why I don't want it to be on the wedding day. Maybe I'll ditch it:

"Okay mom, let's all meet at 6pm on Saturday at Hooters,"

; )

"Okay bio-mom, let's all meet at 6pm on Saturday at Hooters,"

and once they're both there,

"Where the hell is Christina?"

And I will be relaxing for a weekend getaway in Catalina. Sounds like a plan to me. After all, THEY are the ones that got themselves into this. I didn't ask to be born, I didn't ask to be put up for adoption, and I didn't ask my parents to adopt me. They can handle it themselves, right?

Now back to reality. I feel so damn guilty for making my mom cry. I feel guilty for even talking to bio-mom. I know I "shouldn't" but YOU try telling my emotions that. People keep asking what I'm so worried about. And I can't even divulge all my worries. I don't want to say it out loud for fear that the sleeping monster will wake at hearing his name! What I'm really worried about though, is that my mom will slip into a depression just the way she did when I was in elementary school and trouble with my brother began. That she will shut herself off from the world, sit in her room hour after hour, day after day while the world spins outside her door. That my children will never know her because she will be technically gone, even if she is still physically present. The same way I never got to know her and for the same reasons only this time, it's my fault. I can't really blame her all that much for her actions while I was growing up. As trouble began with my brother, it was looming on the horizon for my sister. There was a big, dark storm over her with another one coming in right behind it and no end in sight. Some very rough times back then and the effects still linger to this day for both of her biological children and now the adopted daughter she has clung to for years and years, but never really was very close to, is "slipping away" (as she may see it). Why don't I just literally drive the nails into the coffin and bury her alive!?!

I know I'm not really slipping away. And it's true that nothing in life has changed for them except my (already weak) trust in them for lying to me all those years was further weakened. But perception is reality. And I worry that this is her perception. It's easy to slough it off and say, "It will be okay, that's not going to happen," when you DIDN'T grow up with a clinically depressed mother. But I've been there. I've seen it. It isn't pretty. I know I'm not going to find any magic answers. And I don't expect to. I know I have to just wait it out and hope time will help. And I will. But I can't help but worry that things won't turn out great. I worry that all of this will be the straw that breaks the camel's, I mean my mother's back.


  1. I have about a million words, but the only ones I think that count for much are these: I feel what you feel, I believe in my DNA what you describe, I know it the way I know the sky is blue, and not that what I think means much at all, but all the same, I think, as someone who DOES know, that you have built some pretty impressive ladders with which to climb out of the pit of darkness from whence we (and/or those we love) came. You are so out of there already. I know part of you will never leave - you never can - but already you have come so far. Already you stand on beautiful, strong, independently created ideas of your own and already you are creating your own unique version of the ideal life. Live as much as you can in the pride of that and not in the fear...because you know the truth about fear. The truth is the scary secret we've always shared. The truth is you can only save yourself from it. Period. The rest of the truth is that looking forward - MOVING forward - for yourself and no one else ... well, that is just one of the hardest things a woman ever has to face. I admire the grace with which you manage to face it.

    With all the good stuff - admiration & affection...

  2. This is hard. It would be very difficult for me if I was mom and you wanted bio-mom to be there. I wouldn't know why you would want bio-mom there. But what do I know about this? I'm not adopted. I don't know what you're feeling - or even what it feels like in your position. Maybe I just feel that because I'm a mom now and I can easily put myself in your mom's shoes. You always should do what you feel is right or what you truly want in your heart and it sounds as if you did just that. :)

  3. Okay, now I'm freaking out. You think it's too much to ask? I don't know how to balance between what I want and what will make everyone happy.

  4.'s not too much to ask if that is what YOU want and what is going to make you feel "complete" that day. I can understand why your mom would be hurt, but you have been hurt too that you were never told the entire the hurt goes both ways. I just feel that your bio-mom didn't have anything to do with where you ended up so it doesn't seem "fair" to your mom that she gets to share in that special day...but that's just my opinion and it doesn't mean that it's right. Like I said, you know how you feel inside about everything. I have no clue about any of these feelings except maybe how your mom would feel. If you just want her there because you want her to be "proud" of you and how far you've come, then I don't know if that's a good reason. If it's because you feel that you two have a special connection (besides the obvious) and you want her there and want her to share in the rest of the big events in your life, then you have every right to request that. What this day comes down to is what will make YOU happy. It is after all, your day. might find that your bio-mom wouldn't feel comfortable attending because of your mom and/or others (unless you two have already talked about)...and if that's the case, you might be disappointed and then your mom would be upset for nothing. I don't know... :/ But I would be honest with your mom and tell her that your worried about her falling back into a depression like that. If anyone should start the cycle of being honest and open from now on in your family - it should be you. :)

  5. you're worried...not your! Ugh! LOL

  6. Oh this is some difficult stuff, dear. I think that you need to make the right choices for yourself. You can't control your mother nor her actions. If she is going to use this as a means to break down, then she will do it. So just handle things as kindly and delicately as you can, as you did, and don't place ownership or blame of her reactions on your shoulders, either way it is not your fault. I know that is all easier said than done, but that is the truth. You have some very special things ahead of you, and you deserve to include everyone that you'd like.