Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Beginning to Find Some Answers

Four months and two days after the post below, I received some news that was every bit as shocking as it was enlightening. I have not made my blog publicly known to my friends until now. It's not that I've felt I had nothing to say. It's not that I don't want to share things. It's just that I wasn't ready; it wasn't the right time. But now, it feels right.

So, let's start at the beginning. On May 6th, 2009 at 11:42am I received this message on Facebook from a woman I do not know:
HI, I am looking for a Christina Amber Williams that graduated Bonanza High School - whose b-day is in August 1979. If this is the wrong Christina Williams, I apologize.
I replied at 1:34pm:
I am the Christina you are looking for. How do I know you???
I get the reply at 1:59pm:
I really do not know how to explain. Did your mother & father, [names deleted] ever mention anything to you about a [sorry, had to delete the name again]?

I replied at 2:25pm:
Not that I can remember.
I get the reply at 2:31pm:
Did they tell you anything about you as baby?
I replied at 2:33pm:
Nothing particular or out of the ordinary. Please explain how you know me and my parents names.

The mystery woman then goes on to explain in her next message at 2:50pm that she has been looking for me for a long time but because my name was so common, it was hard to find me. Then she tells the story. She was 16 years old and pregnant and knew that she could not take care of a baby. She heard of a great family that was looking to adopt a baby so she made the decision to give the baby up. And the baby was.... TA-DA... me!

I sat in disbelief for a bit. I have my birth certificate. On it are the names of the only parents I have ever known. I have always felt different and I have flat out said to my parents before, "I'm nothing like you guys, I must be adopted." And they would flat out tell me that I wasn't. I have a cousin who was adopted and everyone in the family knew and it was no big deal. I had a project for health class in the 7th or 8th grade in which I had to ask my mom details about her pregnancy with me. She gave me those details. Yes, they were completely standard and cookie-cutter and safe - "I had no problems at all when I was pregnant with you... was in labor for 8 hours... you came out and now here we sit... the end."

BUT... I have always felt different (see post below for more about this). I don't look exactly like them. I don't look terribly different from them either. And I just figured, "Well, a lot of kids feel different from their parents." But I always felt different from my siblings too and my cousins. Several of my cousins were close but I never really was with any of them. I hated that. I felt so jealous of them because it seemed so easy for them to feel like family. I always felt like I was blue square in a patchwork quilt made up entirely of green squares. Different shades of green, yes. But I was clearly blue, not green at all. I'm not sure if my parents noticed this or if I ever complained about it when I was little. Perhaps not. I think I wanted to avoid pity or avoid drawing more attention to the situation. But I digress...

The first thing I did after hearing this woman's story (my alleged birth mother) was to get some confirmation. Not from my mom. She would be a mess if it was true. Not from my dad. I knew he was at work and this wouldn't be a good conversation for him to have there if it was true. I called my sister, who is 12 years older than me... old enough to remember. My phone conversation with her went like this:
C - I need to ask you something and I need for you to tell me the truth
S - Okay
C - Am I adopted?
S - [loud sigh]
So, clearly that's a yes. A whirlwind of emotions begins, even though I kinda knew what mystery woman/bio-mom was going to tell me from the moment I looked at her facebook page after her first email - it is completely blank, seems like it was created just to find/contact me, her graduation date from high school was 1981, I did the math (several times) she would be 16 when I was born. Doesn't take a Ph.D. to figure out what might be coming. Still, when it's officially confirmed by my sister, my heart is racing and I'm in my office with the door closed, pacing while I'm talking to her. I can't sit still for the remainder of the day so I leave work early. "Hey boss, I'm calling in adopted - that's a new one, huh?" I get in the car, alone for the first time, away from prying eyes and ears. That's when the wrecking ball hits me. My chest hurts so bad, throbbing and pounding. I can't breathe and the tears first burn and then just begin to pour out of me. My boyfriend called me in the middle of one of my phone conversations trying to get some more info. I sent him a text asking him to come straight home at the end of his day. I don't have a ton of time to devote to him at the moment he calls but he insists on knowing what is wrong (thinking someone is hurt). I yell into the phone, "I'm adopted - just come home!" I sent out an email to my closest friends with the subject line, "You're not going to fucking believe this shit" and copy and paste the facebook convo in the body of the email. For the first time in my life, I am going to people when I need something, need to share, need support. How can I not, though? This is crazy stuff, especially considering the dynamics of my family.

I talked to my dad that night, after I knew he was home from work. Told him I knew. Mentioned bio-mom's name. He scrambled for a bit, clearly caught off guard. I am dying to get off the phone. I just want to tell them that I know and that we'll talk about it later. Before and after the phone call I'm stewing in anger. Not only because in my 29 years of life they never told me, but because I am so worried to tell them that I know. I don't want to hurt or upset them (especially my mom). But THEY should have been the ones worrying about how to tell ME this news, not vice versa. I'm really pissed about that at the time... still am.

The next day I ask bio-mom what she wants. Does she just want to know I'm alive and well and that's it? Does she want to get to know me and maybe have some kind of relationship? I'm hesitant. I don't know who she is.... could be any type of person I could possibly imagine. But so far, she has been nothing but.... great! She at first apologizes profusely for being the one to tell me (and has done so several times since). She begged me not to be mad at my parents. She is clearly trying hard to not overstep her boundaries. Her reply to my, "What do you want" email is very long and in the end, says something like, "What I'm trying to say is that I would love to get to know you and be friends and be a part of your life." Right now, that's what we're working on.
This story continues to unfold and I will use this blog to share it. I have found it pretty interesting to go back and read my previous post knowing what I know now. I always felt different - and now I know part of the reason why. It's helpful information to say the least. Stay tuned for more!


  1. Wow, Christina. I teared up reading this. I can only even imagine the anger you must have had with your parents. Now being a mom, I can only imagine what your birth mom was feeling trying to find you. It must be such a relief for her, but more stress now put on all the rest of you and your family. I'm interested in how this plays out (and just reading your blog in general!). Thanks for sharing this story with the rest of us. I know there is not much I can do, but if you ever need to talk or vent, I'm just a blog or Facebook or MySpace...or even phone call ;) away. :)

  2. I'm glad you came out of the adopted closet! Ha ha. I so look forward to hearing about your meeting with bio mom...she sounds amazing! After all these years you and I are practically sisters; so let me know if you need anything. I love you dearly!

  3. I am glad that you have decided to share this with all of us. Maybe it may have some sort of carthardic healing for you and I am proud of you for not deleting the other stuff about your feelings before sharing it. These are huge steps you are taking! You know I am always here for you, even though we may not talk as much as we may like!

  4. Wow I am sorry for your anger, confusion, and sadness. But I am super excited to follow this blog as you find out more about yourself and who you are. And maybe finally get some answers on where you fit in. I wish you luck, comfort and clarity in your new journey. You’re a great writer, keep them blogs coming!

    PS. I know this is not exactly the same thing but I had a bother track me down though MySpace about a year ago. I remember sitting there looking at the computer going OMFG what should I do. I followed my heart and I now am getting to know my 18 year old brother. I know you will follow your heart and it will all turn out as you want.