Thursday, February 4, 2010

Breaking the News

I have been completely stressing out about the next hurdle I had to jump in all this adoption drama. I think I have mentioned before, I want to invite bio-mom to the wedding. But I was certain that my mom wouldn't take it too well. I was right and I was wrong.

I took the brilliant advice of an excellent friend and presented it like this:

"Mom, I would like to invite [bio-mom] to the wedding. And perhaps that wouldn't be the best place to meet her for the first time. So, I wanted to leave it up to you, so just think about this... do you want to meet her before the wedding and if so, how, when and where?"

Mom replied:

[long sigh - aaaaaaahhhhhhhh] "I knew it. I saw this coming" [slightly more brief, exhaling sigh - oohhhhhhh] and then [crying now], "it's just hard for me."

I tried, unsuccessfully to soften the blow:

"Just her, her husband and her daughter. You can meet them however you want. I am leaving it up to whatever you feel comfortable with. Talk about it with Dad. Just think about it and we'll talk about it later."

She sucked it up, made herself quit crying (or at least SOUND like she had quit crying) and said, "Okay, we'll talk about it. I can... I can do it."

Me: "Okay, thank you."

Then we chatted a bit more about less important things and that was that. Oh god, I can already feel the chunks start to rise up in my throat (Clueless nod). I am going to be so nervous on the day that they meet, which is why I don't want it to be on the wedding day. Maybe I'll ditch it:

"Okay mom, let's all meet at 6pm on Saturday at Hooters,"

; )

"Okay bio-mom, let's all meet at 6pm on Saturday at Hooters,"

and once they're both there,

"Where the hell is Christina?"

And I will be relaxing for a weekend getaway in Catalina. Sounds like a plan to me. After all, THEY are the ones that got themselves into this. I didn't ask to be born, I didn't ask to be put up for adoption, and I didn't ask my parents to adopt me. They can handle it themselves, right?

Now back to reality. I feel so damn guilty for making my mom cry. I feel guilty for even talking to bio-mom. I know I "shouldn't" but YOU try telling my emotions that. People keep asking what I'm so worried about. And I can't even divulge all my worries. I don't want to say it out loud for fear that the sleeping monster will wake at hearing his name! What I'm really worried about though, is that my mom will slip into a depression just the way she did when I was in elementary school and trouble with my brother began. That she will shut herself off from the world, sit in her room hour after hour, day after day while the world spins outside her door. That my children will never know her because she will be technically gone, even if she is still physically present. The same way I never got to know her and for the same reasons only this time, it's my fault. I can't really blame her all that much for her actions while I was growing up. As trouble began with my brother, it was looming on the horizon for my sister. There was a big, dark storm over her with another one coming in right behind it and no end in sight. Some very rough times back then and the effects still linger to this day for both of her biological children and now the adopted daughter she has clung to for years and years, but never really was very close to, is "slipping away" (as she may see it). Why don't I just literally drive the nails into the coffin and bury her alive!?!

I know I'm not really slipping away. And it's true that nothing in life has changed for them except my (already weak) trust in them for lying to me all those years was further weakened. But perception is reality. And I worry that this is her perception. It's easy to slough it off and say, "It will be okay, that's not going to happen," when you DIDN'T grow up with a clinically depressed mother. But I've been there. I've seen it. It isn't pretty. I know I'm not going to find any magic answers. And I don't expect to. I know I have to just wait it out and hope time will help. And I will. But I can't help but worry that things won't turn out great. I worry that all of this will be the straw that breaks the camel's, I mean my mother's back.

Thank You

I just want to take a moment to thank my awesome friends for your support and comments and advice. And for joining me in my excitement, frustration, sadness, etc. What goes on with my family is a bit difficult sometimes and I have never felt all that comfortable going to them with any challenges in my life. So, it's nice to have some wonderful friends who are there for me. I know I don't always show it and I know that most people don't say it often enough, so I want to be sure to clearly state it here. My friends mean a lot to me. Each and every one. There is so much kindness and love and laughter in my life because of you. I truly appreciate every single bit of it. Every moment. Thank you, even for the tiniest bit of kindness, the meekest smile or quietest hello you have ever shared. It has never gone unnoticed.

I am not someone who likes to get "mushy" and sometimes I pull away from the group. But let me say this. I read in a book last year, the insightful observation that sometimes those who are the least involved, have the most invested. It's that quiet guy sitting with his arms folded, slightly further away from everyone else during a meeting at work. Or that seemingly disinterested girl holding up the wall in the back of the room during emotional, personal moments at weddings and when new babies are welcomed and during big holiday gatherings. Sometimes these people aren't involved in what is going on because they care so much about what is going on. They have so much personally invested, therefore they have a lot to lose. And perhaps they have been burned before. Perhaps these people have tried speaking up and making a difference and joining the movement and getting attached.... but were badly burned or saw nothing ever come from their efforts and have decided that they can't get hurt that way again. The higher you climb, the harder you fall. Sometimes, it's necessary to practice a little self-preservation and hang on to a lower rung on the emotional ladder of life. Just please remember this the next time you encounter someone who seems disinterested....

Sometimes those who are the least involved, have the most invested!