Thursday, July 1, 2010

More of the Same

I spoke to my mom tonight about dates for a bridal shower and to get addresses from her. It turns out that 2 of her brothers will be coming to the wedding. That's really great and I know it will make her feel good. I'm not all that close with them (I'm not technically close with anyone in my family) and I don't think she really is either, but it seems like they were when they were younger from just looking at the pictures.

I used the conversation about my uncles to ask about my grandfather. I've mentioned this before in this blog - "she doesn't speak to her father for some unknown reason." Well, I found out the reason tonight. The conversation/revelation went something like this:

C - So Mom, what's the deal with him?

M - He refuses to speak to me.

C - Why? What's his problem?

M - [hesitant] He's mad because I lied to him about your brother.

C - ["of course, more lies" to myself] I see. Wow. That's complicated.

M - Yeah, can you believe it? Over 1 lie! [I'm not fucking joking, she said that. "Over 1 lie" that she told to her father about his first born grandson. Like HE'S the crazy one... but wait, this gets better.]

C - Well... hmmm... Do my uncles talk to him? Does he still have a relationship with them?

M - Yeah, they talk, I guess. I don't know how much.

C - Is he not a nice guy in general? I remember you having a few stories and he hasn't seemed so nice.

M - No. You should see some of the letters he's sent me.

C - He's sent you letters? So he does communicate with you?

M - Yeah, well he wants me to come out and see him and talk to him. But I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to see him to sit there and be bashed.

C - [to myself, "Okay so what you said in the beginning about him refusing to talk to you is not true? Did you intend to lie with that statement or are you just so goddamn warped that you can't grasp reality anymore?"] Okay.

Of course, more lies. When I told this to Andrew his response was, "I think I see a pattern here." Oh yeah? At sequence number 897 you see a pattern here? I don't know, I think I need further proof.

My parents will just never learn their lesson. Never. I really hate to give up hope on someone. Especially my own parents. And I hate to use the word "never" but I just don't see it ever happening. She needs a therapist. She really does. They both do. They lie to everyone. Absolutely everyone. To me, to my sister, to my nephews, to their parents, to their siblings, to their friends, to people they work with. I understand that they have been through some terrible things that no parent should ever go through. I understand that they didn't know how to tell the truth about my brother. But then they make up lies to cover the other lies. And they keep on lying even when they see the horrible ramifications of those very same lies. They lie to my nephew about his biological father even after all of this came out about me being adopted.

We talked some more tonight too. About bio-mom. That went... pretty much nowhere. I'll tell that story later. For now, I need to sleep.


  1. I'm really sorry sweetie. Lying is a sick pattern, and one that is easy to get stuck in, for those that lie readily. I think it is safe to say that you'll just need to take what they say with a grain of salt, and leave it at that. It's tough to do with your parents, of all people, but like you said... at this point, the pattern is evident.

    And I do think you're right. I don't even think they intend to lie, or don't see it as LYING. I'm sure they seem them as little, white half-truths. It's not easy to deal with, either way. :(

  2. I agree with K above... (surprise surprise). The really tough part of this is that part of you that wants to change them, wants to help them see how they could be better, and watching them just... not see, or not want to be better. Eventually you just have to shift your gaze back to your own life and let them self-destruct if that's what they're hell bent on doing. As for you - whenever you're hurting from this, I hope you remember the huge network of love and support out here for you and let yourself fall into it for a while. xo