Thursday, May 20, 2010

Negative and Untrusting

I think I have become completely negative and untrusting when it comes to my family. I don't want to be that way. I am not a negative person. I'm a critical person... I can almost always find what is wrong with a situation. But that doesn't mean I'm negative. I can quite easily look at the bright side of any situation. And I don't think everything is doom and gloom. I just think some things are really stupid. Like reading celebrity mags or watching those shows. Plenty of smart people I know watch them. But I still think the act of doing so is stupid. But I digress...

I called my mom this past weekend to talk to her about an upcoming trip to Santa Barbara for wedding stuff. At the end of the call she asked, "Did I tell you what happened to Dad?" "No," I said, worried. With my family, an intro like that can mean anything from a splinter to a lost limb. She then proceeds to tell me that he was driving to work one day, got 1/3 of the way there and then can't remember a thing after that. The next thing he remembers is ending up miles away from his work 45 minutes later. Blackouts aren't good. My mom made him go to the doctor. He was first trying to NOT go. CRAZY! They were worried that he had a small stroke (my mom used the term "mini stroke" but that sounds ridiculous and my parents will use any words they can to downplay a situation so I think she made that up). There's no evidence of a stroke or any other problem. My dad decided when he left there that he was "the picture of perfect health!" I had no idea that perfect health was being overweight with type 2 diabetes, insulin dependence, and a family history of heart disease and dying in your 60's. Good to know!

I'm pissed that they didn't call me sooner. I'm really worried about him. I tell him that and I get sloughed off like I'M the one being ridiculous. I don't think it's negative of me to be worried. That's just the reality of the situation. Not to mention that I can't be sure they are telling me the truth (obvious reasons there). I remember once my mom was really sick (they thought she maybe had cancer) and my dad downplayed it to me the entire time until I get a call one day that she's been in the hospital for days and the doctors just called him because she's crashing and he needs to get there just in case she doesn't make it. And I was thinking everything was fine the whole time!

My sister does this crap too... the lies. I have been calling her every day, twice a day, since Sunday to find out if I can pay for her children to ride on the train and come see me for the weekend to take them out, do nice things with them, take them someplace they haven't been, help them out with school work, etc. In other words, I'm hunting her down to ask her if I can do something nice for her children. A little backwards there! Finally she calls me back today to tell me my older nephew has plans this weekend. He's starting surfing lessons for the summer so he has to do "something" for that. A little vague! She said she wants his summer to be occupied with activities. Huh. Interesting. Her vagueness plus the fact that it's just not like her or them to do something new or different made me think she's lying. My nephew hangs out with friends after school and doesn't come home until 9 or 10 pm every single night. Why would she all of a sudden be concerned with his schedule? But why would she lie? The only thing I can think of is that my older nephew (he's 17) didn't want to come because he's got some girlfriend or something and wants to hang with her all the time. And my sister doesn't want to argue with him so she just gave in and decided to lie to me so I don't then question her.

I hate it that I assume she might be lying. But I can't help it. I can't help but think about past situations and use my brain to analyze this one. I hope she's not lying. Surfing lessons would be awesome for both the kids. Anything other than "hanging out" and playing video games would be. That's all they do. Really. The younger one is so bad about it that he gets pains in his legs when he runs. The doctor said it's because he doesn't exercise enough. A 10 year old having pains from not moving enough. Crazy! I know my sister isn't making him exercise more. I just know it. And there I go being negative again! Bah, Humbug!

1 comment:

  1. I saw Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love) say in some recorded remarks recently that "My mind is a neighborhood you wouldn't want to walk through alone at night, sometimes", referring to how brutal we can be to ourselves: inflicting shame and harm, taking blame, absorbing the weight of the world.

    I don't hear you internalizing all of this, but I think, on the one hand, how could you not? - and on the other hand, you wrote yourself how expert you are at hiding your real feelings.

    I say all this because I think you have a right to be angry. It's wrong when people we love lie to us, and the enormity and consequences of the lies your family has persisted in telling you define a whole new level of "wrong". The thing is, they lied. Be hurt, but consider... what is being angry about it going to get for you? What did it get me?

    That's one of the reasons I'm so glad you're keeping this blog - I think letting this shit out and releasing it so it doesn't play over and over on the screen in your head is healthy, and it will help you stay with the first emotion lying causes - hurt - and not escalate it to something less productive. Take it from someone smack in the middle of sleeping in the angry bed I made for myself. I wish I would have stuck with hurt and gone from there.

    I hope I don't sound like I think I'm telling you something you need to hear, or that you don't already know; neither is intended. These are just my rambly thoughts in response to your post. But do know that aside from coming back because I care so much about you and would, anyway, I come back to your blog because I admire the way you're working through this, and I'm learning from you. A lot like I always have.