Addict

There are a few things (2 or 3 come to mind immediately) in my life that I have very little control over. I guess they can be considered my addictions, although I hate that word. It sounds so cliche, so desperate, so pathetic and it's such an easy label to apply. I REALLY don't like cliche, desperate, pathetic and easy... when it comes to anything! And I REALLY REALLY don't like not having control.... usually.

I like having control in so many ways. I prefer to be in the driver's seat rather than the passenger seat, even for a short trip around the block. I like being very deliberate about the jobs I have, what I do with my time, the friends I have, and how my relationship goes. I am waiting to have children until what I consider will be the best time for me. I am careful not to get too close to people or reveal too much of myself until I consider that person or that situation "safe"... nothing unexpected please! Control, control, control!

But on the other hand, I kinda do like losing control with my addictions. It feels really good sometimes. Just letting go and falling backwards into that comfortable abyss. The free-falling feels great and the place I land feels great too. It's just that the watercolors begin to run, the facade beings to chip away, the music fades and the weather turns bad. It happens each and every time. And every time I leave feeling as though I've been assaulted. I think to myself, "I don't want to go there again." Yet I still wind up anxiously awaiting my next visit to that realm. As though somehow the next time, it will be all good... it won't slip away or fall apart or bring me harm.

Clearly, I am making some wrong choices here. I'm thinking that maybe I need to switch some things up. Maybe lose control in some of the areas of my life that I'm clinging to and take control of some of those addictions. I feel I may be able to do the latter quite easily if I put my mind to it. I have done it before, for short periods of time. And it felt good. I liked the control over those things that feel so darn good but are kinda bad for me. I felt energized, like a weight had been lifted, I walked a little taller and smiled a little easier. I can see myself making it happen long term. I'm not so confident with giving up the control over some things, though. I don't know how to do that. I don't know what that looks like or feels like. I don't even know where to begin. Asking this of myself seems almost impossible. Like changing the way my heart beats. I must admit though, I do like a good challenge! ; )