Sunday, July 19, 2009

A Conversation with Mom (both of them)

I have been messaging with bio-mom on Facebook every day since she found me. That's right, every day. Crazy, I know. Well, maybe not for some of you, but I have never in my life (since moving out of my parent's place) talked with my mom or my dad or my sister every day. But she's not really like a mom, of course. It's more like a friendship with some stronger emotional ties... or maybe like an aunt (because she clearly has a lot invested in all this - some strong motherly instincts appear from time to time). It's strange and I don't know if it's just the way she is or what, but it is so easy to talk to her. Perhaps we are similar in many ways. I feel that we are but I am a bit too close to the situation to assess it objectively. I have always held the belief that some personality traits are genetic, and now I can use myself as a subject for some nature vs. nurture research! Maybe I'll be published one day! HA!

So, it's been very easy talking to her online. But I imagine it would be very easy talking to just about anyone online. I have no idea what she sounds like, what her mannerisms are like, what her facial expressions are like... I have pictures but that doesn't really cut it, you know? She gave me her phone number on the first day she contacted me but I was too afraid to call. Hearing a real-live voice on the other end of the line would make the whole thing... too real! Then I just got comfortable with the emails. But I have been wanting to call her, wanting to hear her voice. You can't tell much from a voice but putting together what I already knew about her from emails, along with the voice, I can begin to get a feel for who she is.

Last Saturday, July 11th I decided I would do it. I actually decided it the day before and told her in an email that I would like to give her a call over the weekend (I wanted to be held accountable for it because I knew I might chicken out). Her response was very cute, "OMG, I would love a phone call but only if you have time." Last Saturday, I sat indian-style in the middle of the bed, door closed, alone, for about 30 minutes... palms sweating, knees bouncing, played a game of tetris, read some emails and got a bit short of breath before I brought myself to dial her number. Finally I dialed, sort of hoping to get her voicemail (at least let me hear her voice before I carry on a conversation with her). But no voicemail, she answered:

Bio-mom: Hello?
Me: Hi, is this _________?
Bio-mom: [voice happy, feminine and melodic] Yes.... is this Christina????

I couldn't help but smile. She was completely pleasant and intelligent and friendly and the conversation was great. It was small talk at first, but then some stories about her mom, my biological father, her pregnancy, my birth, her 16-year old daughter, and other personal things. We spooke for about an hour and a half and there were no awkward silences at all. She appologized again that I found out the way I did (via Facebook message) and expressed her respect for my parents (she calls them Mr. and Mrs. Williams as though she's still 16 years old) and how she never had any ill intentions. I believe her 100%. I have complete faith in her. I've had faith in a lot of people in my life, many of which dissapointed me. I don't think she will.

It was truly great talking to her and I can't wait to talk to her again. But after the phone call, I am worried. I have to tell my mom that I spoke to her. I am not going to give my mom details. I know her and she is the "What I don't know, won't hurt me" type of person, but I have to tell her that I spoke to bio-mom on the phone and I have to tell her when I meet bio-mom. I was dreading that more than anything else so far.

I called my mom with some small-talk at first and then I just flat out told her that I spoke to bio-mom on the phone. I told her that bio-mom seems very nice and I want to get to know her because I am so curious about her and where I came from. Then I told her, "I hope you don't feel weird about it at all because I could never really think of her as my mom." My mom cried a little and said she understood and that she knew I would want to get to know her and meet her, "because I know how you are," she said. She also threw in a, "But I am always your mommy" somewhere in the conversation. I really want to make sure my mom is okay with this and I want to prep her for what is to come (meeting bio-mom) so I am sure to tell her that bio-mom is very nice, has a stable life, is intelligent and seems like a great person. But again, I don't FEEL like she is my mom and since she is so young, it is more like she is a friend. My mom seems to understand (or at least says she does).

I'm really hoping this can go smoothly.... that I can do what I want and need to do for me without hurting anyone. But, that is always my wish in life. It just seems to get a bit tougher as you get older. I don't like that part of adulthood.


  1. An hour and a half without awkward silences is awesome. I can't even do that with my own mom. You are very brave for calling her. Thanks for sharing this latest blog.

  2. Somehow I missed the conversation with your mom preparing her for your talk with bio-mom. I'm so glad that both conversations went well. Despite everything, I think your mom is handling this pretty well (and you KNOW I think you are handling this incredibly well).