Tuesday, April 13, 2010


Last night I told bio-mom about the discussion with my mom. I didn't give her ALL the gorey details. But she got the jist. She didn't seem that thrilled with the outcome. Neither am I the more I think about it. Bio-mom says she doesn't want to upset my mom and if that means not going to the wedding, then she won't go. But she'll leave it up to me to tell her whether or not she should go. Honestly, my mom is VERY good at pretending things don't exist. She hasn't spoken to her father in many many years. He sends birthday and Christmas cards. She won't acknowledge them or call him. I don't know why. She probably has a good reason... but she refuses to deal with whatever conflict there is there. I have a brother with a dark, nasty past. She doesn't talk about him. She has a grandchild that was put up for adoption - a baby my sister had when she was about 20 or so. I don't know if she ever thinks about that.

I'm not dumb enough to assume that just because she doesn't talk about things, she doesn't think about these things. She might. I'm sure she has plenty in the past and maybe now she's done dwelling on it/being depressed over it. But sill, she is an enigma. I cannot relate to her, the way she responds to life's challenges. Not one bit. Bio-mom said she can't see how she can be at the wedding without my mom thinking about it the entire time and wondering who she is. I'm not really sure. Maybe my mom can and wants to do that. It's a possibility. I decided I will talk to my dad about it today. I don't always trust his judgment or agree with his decision making but he is the closest person in the world to my mom. There's plenty of value in that!

So, I'm a little upset at this point that now bio-mom feels uncomfortable and I didn't get the outcome that I feel is best for everyone. And I think that she can trust my judgment for once. At this point I'm catering to my mom... still. She has had her way for 30 years of my life. She was in control of my reality for 30 years! And bio-mom's reality too because I would have looked for her and gotten to know her sooner if I had the chance. Don't you think enough is enough now? She had all that time, took it at the expense of what I would have wanted. Her time is up.

Clearly I'm beginning to question the, "Who am I to ask my mom to change?" motto. I'm her daughter, that's who. Supposedly a very important person in her life, right? And we're talking about my life as an adult. It's so easy to fall back into the child role with parents. But I can't anymore. I have made adjustments for them, done things I didn't want to do. I never spoke about difficult things going on with my brother and sister because they didn't want me to. I lied for them as a young child ("My brother moved away"). I still lie and cover things up for them because it will make them uncomfortable if people know the truth. Now she can do something difficult for me. I'm going to give it another try - get her to suck it up and meet bio-mom. I'm not sure how yet, but I'll figure it out. I am 100% certain that once she meets her there will be a weight lifted. Things will be easier.

This is a very good example of my reasons why I don't like to talk about my feelings. Because I often go through this process: gut reaction > question it > change my mind > feel uneasy about that > go back to my gut reaction. If I just work through this process on my own, I won't look so wishy-washy to everyone. But oh well. I guess I'll just have take my own advice and "suck it up."


  1. I know your mom and I know how ostrich-like she is capable of being. That being said, i don't believe for one second that your mom will be able to be at your wedding and NOT constantly look around at all of the "unknown" women in the crowd and wonder who bio-mom is. Truth be told...narrowing it down will not be that difficult for her. Then she will only be able to focus on your interactions with "this woman". She needs to face the fact that in this situation all roads lead to some sort of emotional hurt for her. She has the opportunity at this time to decide whether she intends on taking the high road or the low road to the hurt. TO me the high road of facing it head on and dealing with things seems to be the better choice on her part. T low road seems like it will force an otherwise joy filled October weekend to be clouded with (once again) hidden pain and unanswered questions.

    I will say that it is unfortunate that your moms decisions have now had an impact on you and also bio-mom. I'd have to say that if I was bio-mom I would probably feel uncomfortable too. The difference is that bio-mom is weeling to take the brunt of the discomfort for your want of her presence.

  2. I totally agree with Allicia. I felt that on the last post, but didn't say anything. There is NO way your mom is not going to think about your bio-mom being somewhere there. I also believe that narrowing it down will not be that difficult.

    I think it's interesting that it seems you're more upset that bio-mom feels uncomfortable more than you are that your mom feels uncomfortable. And you're saying that you thought you had the best outcome for everyone - you have to stop worrying about that. You have to worry about the best outcome for you. This day of YOURS is turning into a day about your two moms and it shouldn't be that way. Decide what you would like to do and then move on to the next GOOD part of planning! :)

    Because you're sharing, I'm assuming you want us to tell you our thoughts, so I will. I think it's a mistake to think that if they meet, there will be a weight lifted and things will be easier. Your mom has big issues with bio-mom contacting you and the way she did it. Yes, you can say that your mom did things too and that she didn't tell you and what not, but her feelings towards bio-mom are going to be the same. I don't see how a meeting can make anything better for the two of them - it's you that wants the meeting FOR them. I don't think it's a good idea to try again with mom. You've brought up the subject a couple of times and she doesn't want to do it. I'd wash my hands of it at this point, invite bio-mom if you'd like and know that if mom is sitting around wondering who the other woman is, it's her own fault.

  3. You guys are probably right... I can't imagine not thinking about it if I were her. But she might just pop a couple of Xanax or Prozac before the wedding and be fine. I'm not joking 1 bit about that.

    The only reason I'm upset about bio-mom feeling uncomfortable is that there is nothing I can do for bio-mom. I won't be overly defensive of her to my mom because that's not really appropriate. There is nothing to be said to reassure bio-mom the way I can say/do things to help my mom feel better. And bio-mom has been living with something for 30 years, wondering about me, worrying, thinking I didn't want to know her. My mom had things her way for 30 years. Not to mention that this entire situation revolves around my mom and her feelings. Every tear I shed, every worry I have, is for my mother. Worry for bio-mom is a small ripple in the pond of worry for my mom.

    But at the same time, bio-mom gave me up. That's the way it goes when you give a child up for adoption. You miss out on his/her life. But that's because of the circumstance, not because people go out of their way to shape it to be like that. I don't feel the need to force/shape the situation. To go against what I want (to have her in my life) in order to fulfill that destiny because that's the way it goes when you give up a child. I feel like we can make this situation whatever we want it to be.

    I keep thinking I will try again because I just can't help but wonder, "How could I have handled this better? What more could I have done?" I feel like there has to be some way for my mom to relax and come around. But you guys and some other friends have reminded me that some people don't want to change even if it's for their own good or the good of people they love. I know my mom may always have issues with bio-mom. I just hoped that there could be some improvement. It's hard for me to give up that hope that things will be less stressful and she won't be so upset and crying over it.