Monday, November 30, 2009

The "L" Word

I saw bio-mom over the Thanksgiving break. We were at my parents but drove into Vegas late Thursday night. I saw her on Saturday night. She met Andrew's mom and they shared stories. Andrew's mom gave a baby up for adoption when she was young too. It was nice. It's always nice to see bio-mom, really. She's just a really great person and there is nothing I feel from her but genuine interest and care and concern and excitement all over stupid me. It's weird. Weird AND nice.

My parents made a big step forward. They gave me baby pictures. I asked for them in May but I should be thankful that they gave them to me at all, right? They even said, "We have some of your baby pictures.... so you can show bio-mom." Well, they didn't call her bio-mom, but I don't think I should use her name here. It was really great of them to get me those pictures. I think they are finally getting past the denial. It's a good step. I'm proud of them and glad that some tension might be released.

So, I showed bio-mom the photos over dinner. She was happy to see them. She said her daughter had lots of dark hair when she was born too. She also said that her daughter and I had similar hands - long fingers apparently. They're pretty normal now.

My parents also included a couple with them in the photo with me. They said, "I don't know if she would be interested..." I assured them that she would.

They look happy to have me. I'm sure that made bio-mom happy to see. I brought several pictures for her to see including a couple with my siblings and grandmothers.

We were at dinner for almost 3 hours. At the end of dinner, we walked outside, chatted for a minute in the parking lot and hugged goodbye. That's when it happened. I wondered when it might happen. When and if she might ever say it and what I would say in return. I just didn't expect it to happen so soon. I was unprepared. As we were going into the hug, "It's always so great to see you, sweetie." Mid-hug, I said, "You too." And late-hug bio-mom said, "Oh, love you so much." And I tried not to skip a beat. I didn't want to look shaken or taken aback or weirded-out or offended because I wasn't. I just said what I was going to say anyway, "We usually come in around New Year's so we will definitely plan on seeing you guys again really soon."

Maybe I was slightly startled. I just didn't expect it. And the problem is, I am not very open with my emotions. I didn't hear the "L" word much growing up. My parent's just weren't that openly affectionate. I even have problems with it now. I feel super weird about having the whole wedding she-bang in front of everyone. I would rather drive splinters under my nails then have everyone staring at me for a "couple's first dance." I feel that saying my vows in front of everyone is even a bit exhibitionist. It's no one's business! I do say I love you a lot with Andrew and the dogs though. Several times a day, every day. And we sit close and cuddle on the couch almost every single night. But no one's there when we do that stuff. I don't mind holding hands or putting our arms around each other at the movies or the mall or whatever but I guess I have an imaginary line that I draw in public.

So, with bio-mom I just didn't know what to say. I do have warm and fuzzy feelings for her but it's difficult. I don't even say it to my own parents very easily and they didn't say it to me regularly until recently. I think being grandparents softened them up a bit. I need to let this one simmer for a bit until I figure out what I am comfortable with. However, I don't want her to think that I am uncomfortable. I hope she's not worried that she freaked me out. I made sure to email her so she knows I'm not avoiding her. I didn't address it though. I'm sure she wont either but she might be worried. Jeez, this feels a lot like dating!

1 comment:

  1. Not only do I love that you are so willing to share all of this with us, but I love to read your entries. It's a little bit like being with you for a while, which is something I sorely miss. Keep it coming, we're still hooked. :)