No, there hasn't been another discussion with my mom about bio-mom coming to the wedding (I know you're wondering). I'm going to have to be the one to bring it up, otherwise it will go ignored. I just haven't found the right time for it yet. And bio-mom does know about the situation. I discussed it with her first, told her that I would like to invite her but I'll talk to my parents about it. She said she would love to be there as long as they were comfortable.
But what I need advice on is a little different. Andrew & I are creating a wedding website. We're writing our personal stories (he's writing mine and I'm writing his). Do we put in the story that I am adopted? Andrew's question was, "Why not?" My answer - "because it may hurt my mom." But it's weird to not reveal that, right? Most everyone knows anyway. And it's not like it's something horrible to conceal. It's not on level with "heroine addiction" or anything. My thought is: don't include the story of how I found out, just mention it later on in the narrative - something like, "Christina is adopted and has spent a little time recently getting to know her biological mother and her family." I guess it could be said in the beginning, "Adopted from birth, Christina grew up in Las Vegas..." But for some reason, I feel like that will sting my mom... the fresh memory of everything that's happened this past year, the pain, the worry that I would be mad and she would lose me, the worry that I feel somehow less "her's," etc. But I don't want it to be the elephant in the room. I want it to just be no big deal (although it does not appear that way considering how much I fret over it).
So, how do I include this in the bio? Or should I not include it? I just can't wait for the wounds to close. It's exhausting tip-toeing around everything. I was also thinking tonight about the rehearsal dinner on Friday night. It's supposed to be just family and the wedding party. Andrew asked if bio-mom was invited and I said, "no." He asked "why?". I said, "Because it will hurt my mom." But I wouldn't mind having her there. Partly because, the family count at the rehearsal dinner and wedding is about 40. 6 of that 40 are my family. The rest is obviously Andrew's. If the snapping starts and a Jets-vs.-Sharks-like turf war breaks out, we're toast. Except my wedding party is pretty tough. I'd put some money on them. Still... it would be nice to be able to think of bio-mom and company as extended family, without driving my mother to the prozac.
Any ideas, my friends???
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Update, Tuesday, 3/11 at 9:50am:
I think I'm gonna tell Andrew not to include it in the bio for the wedding website. I don't think it will have a place there. And that's not just to protect my mom. It's because that is supposed to be a little more lighthearted. I'll see what Andrew writes and maybe it will have an appropriate place to fit in. Otherwise, I'll leave it out.
But what I need advice on is a little different. Andrew & I are creating a wedding website. We're writing our personal stories (he's writing mine and I'm writing his). Do we put in the story that I am adopted? Andrew's question was, "Why not?" My answer - "because it may hurt my mom." But it's weird to not reveal that, right? Most everyone knows anyway. And it's not like it's something horrible to conceal. It's not on level with "heroine addiction" or anything. My thought is: don't include the story of how I found out, just mention it later on in the narrative - something like, "Christina is adopted and has spent a little time recently getting to know her biological mother and her family." I guess it could be said in the beginning, "Adopted from birth, Christina grew up in Las Vegas..." But for some reason, I feel like that will sting my mom... the fresh memory of everything that's happened this past year, the pain, the worry that I would be mad and she would lose me, the worry that I feel somehow less "her's," etc. But I don't want it to be the elephant in the room. I want it to just be no big deal (although it does not appear that way considering how much I fret over it).
So, how do I include this in the bio? Or should I not include it? I just can't wait for the wounds to close. It's exhausting tip-toeing around everything. I was also thinking tonight about the rehearsal dinner on Friday night. It's supposed to be just family and the wedding party. Andrew asked if bio-mom was invited and I said, "no." He asked "why?". I said, "Because it will hurt my mom." But I wouldn't mind having her there. Partly because, the family count at the rehearsal dinner and wedding is about 40. 6 of that 40 are my family. The rest is obviously Andrew's. If the snapping starts and a Jets-vs.-Sharks-like turf war breaks out, we're toast. Except my wedding party is pretty tough. I'd put some money on them. Still... it would be nice to be able to think of bio-mom and company as extended family, without driving my mother to the prozac.
Any ideas, my friends???
________________________________________
Update, Tuesday, 3/11 at 9:50am:
I think I'm gonna tell Andrew not to include it in the bio for the wedding website. I don't think it will have a place there. And that's not just to protect my mom. It's because that is supposed to be a little more lighthearted. I'll see what Andrew writes and maybe it will have an appropriate place to fit in. Otherwise, I'll leave it out.
My feeling is that your story is your story. To not be open would be to not be yourself. This is the new reality. I think there are ways to lift up your mom - make sure she knows her importance - without compromising yourself or your new relationship with bio-mom.
ReplyDeleteYou've made it clear to your parents that they are your parents and that you love them as your parents. You continue to make it clear to them in your approach to this entire thing. I think you are handling everything beautifully and will continue to do so. Being adopted is a part of you and your story, and as you said, there is nothing to be ashamed of. I agree that you may not want to open the bio with "being adopted...", but certainly if you want to share it you should. Your mom is going to be hurt no matter what, this is a painful topic and a painful experience for her, but this is also an exciting and wonderful time in your life. While I completely appreciate and admire your thoughtfulness in dealing with your mom, I wish that it wasn't at the expense of your joy in getting married! She will be fine Christina. You are considerate of her, and that is the best thing that you can be. Don't compromise who you are in that consideration.
ReplyDeleteKristen and Dawn hit the nail on the head. I couldn't have said it better.
ReplyDelete