Sunday, March 21, 2010


I got a call from my dad today. And before I share what happened, I should offer a tiny bit of background...

Andrew & I went with my parents to take a look at the wedding site last weekend and also to interview some vendors. I thought I might take the chance to talk to them about the bio-mom situation too. When I spoke to my mom about it weeks ago, I presented it like this:

"I would like to invite bio-mom to the wedding and I think it would be awkward to meet there for the first time. Perhaps we should arrange a meeting before that, but I'll leave it up to you to decide how, when, and where. Just think about it, talk about it with Dad, and we'll talk about it later."

I heard nothing from them about it after that, but I knew I would have to be the one to bring it up again, so no big surprise.

During our trip this weekend, I was just looking for the right time to bring it up. But considering we were talking about lots of wedding decisions AND money, there was already enough stress lingering in the air. I did not bring up bio-mom. But I did take the advice of another completely brilliant and wonderful friend to write my mom a letter. It basically went like this:

"I just want to say thank you for coming with us this weekend. I'm glad you got to see the wedding site. We had fun and I hope you did too. I know we didn't get the chance to talk about [bio-mom], but I just want to remind you that you have nothing to worry about. I'll give you a call at the end of the week so we can talk about it. Thanks again for coming this weekend. Love, Christina"

I realized how dumb I was right after I sent the note. I basically told them exactly when to turn the ringer off on their phone. And no, I'm not exaggerating. My mom does screen her calls. And yes, from me too. This is a fact. So, I called on Friday night. Ring, ring, ring. Ring, ring, ring. Answering machine. Tried my mom's cell too. Voicemail. Tried again on Saturday afternoon. More ringing. Answering machine. Voicemail on my mom's cell. And now we come to the start of this blog entry, the phone call today (Sunday). It's my dad on the line. They're taking care of our dogs for us while we are out of town for a week over spring break. My dad first wanted to talk about that, when we are meeting up for them to get the dogs. Then he brought it up. It went something like this:

"I want to talk to you about something else. We got your note. Thank you, it was very nice. You mentioned [bio-mom] in there. How important is it to you that she comes to the wedding?"

At that point, I wanted to scream. I wanted to tell him, "Fuck off," and "Put my mom on the phone" so I can tell her to do the same and call her a chicken and an embarrassment to woman-kind for not calling me herself. The damn note I sent was addressed to her. Only to her. But I can't fucking shake her bodyguard. And he's such a damn salesman... he can out talk anybody. I don't stand a chance in hell.

I didn't say any of these things. I tried to reinforce what I have already told them:

"She'll be sitting in the 'friend' section."


"I wouldn't have brought all this up if I didn't feel completely comfortable inviting her - she isn't trying to act like my mom. She isn't being pushy or anything."


"There is nothing to worry about."

I felt like a damn child trying to convince them to let me go to my friends house for a party. "But Daa-aaad... nothing bad's gonna happen!"

My dad said that whenever they talk about it, my mom starts crying and gets all upset. He said they know that they're still my parents and that there's nothing to worry about and blah blah blah. So I asked, "Then why does she get so upset?" He said he didn't know. That he has asked her and she can't explain it. Fuck that. He's lying to me. How can he not know? She just starts crying and then the conversation ends? Is she a 2-year-old? I really don't appreciate being lied to any longer. This is the kind of shit that makes me not want to see them. I do not enjoy the holidays with them. I haven't for years. LONG before I found out I was adopted. And I feel like a bad person for it. No, that's putting it too mildly. I feel like a horrible, rotten, monster, mega-bitch for it. Like there's something wrong with me. They're my family. I should want to see them and hang out with them. I should feel connected to them. What's wrong with me? And a few people have questioned me or looked at me cross-eyed over the idea that I want to invite bio-mom to the wedding at all. Like, why should I care? Or why would I want to disrespect my parents like that? Bio-mom had nothing to do with the person I am, so she doesn't "deserve" to be there. And that makes me feel horrible too. Even though there are dozens of voices who do understand this, the few who look at me like I'm a monster are echoing a bit louder in my head.

I'm really angry right now. Over this and over everything. I don't want to do any of it at this point. I sort of want to move away by myself for a while. Live on a ranch in the Midwest. But then again, I'm sure I'd get burned at the stake or stoned to death for my big mouth, outlandish social views and refusal to accept Christ as my lord and savior. There will just be more people to tell me I'm horrible (same ole, same ole), but for all new reasons (a delightful change). I think the two cancel each other out and I'm back to square one.

When I got off the phone with my dad he gave me the same courtesy, "Think about it" that I gave them. And I am. I'm thinking about uninviting bio-mom. I'm thinking about uninviting them. I'm thinking about eloping. I'm thinking about exactly how I can get my way in all of this... find a way to make my parents get over it so bio-mom can come. Those of you who know me best, know that I really love to get my way. I know, everyone else does too. But seriously... I REALLY REALLY love it. And I've gotten very good at it. So, I'll continue to ponder. Well actually, I'm going to sit in my anger for a bit longer. I can't shake it that fast this time. Yes, I know they love me and I do appreciate the value of accepting and loving people for their faults... but I'm really fucking pissed at them. I've had some anger towards them for lots of things over the years but I've loved them through it anyway. For things they have (and haven't) done to me, to my siblings, to each other, to themselves, to others... it's getting to be a pretty big shit pile. I keep shoving it in the closet, but the door is starting to bulge. I've really got my work cut out for me this time.

I want to keep on thanking friends for the advice, but please let me say this... if you choose to defend my parents, please do so gently. Because I may just open up that closet door and let some shit start spilling out. I doubt anyone would defend them for too long if they saw everything in there.


  1. Well, first I absolutely adore you and your big mouth and I would love to have you in the midwest! And, I am still alive so you just might be safe :) Second, your wedding day is in fact your day (and Andrew's day) and I think that you should be able to any damn person that you like to your wedding! We all have free will and it is anyone's free will to not attend. That is my two cents and I am happy to elaborate any time you need a cheerleader! Rah Rah!

  2. As much as possible, I relate to the crescendo of anger; the way it reaches a point where you start to look around and consider solutions you might have once dismissed as insane. Regardless, I have complete faith in you (and you know I don't have faith in much). I think you have a right to simmer in your anger but I hope you find your way out of it soon so you can get on to the part where you get what you want and then can look forward to it.

    You're going to be fine at the end of this - you have proven that with your grace and maturity over and over again already. You can't change what any of these other people will choose to do. My wish is that you can find a way to not let it hurt - so badly, maybe, anyway - when you disagree or clash...even if that is forever. You deserve better than to live in that kind of state - another thing you've proven.

    Good luck with whatever comes next. I am definitely one of those many people who love & care for you & yours with their hands out willing to help. Let me know if I ever can.


  3. I agree with, Amber, it's your wedding, so you should invite anyone you choose to.

    But....from a "mom"'s point of view, I can totally understand why your mom is hurt. I would be too. As a friend, I don't know why you would want your bio-mom there - is it to show her how far you've come in life? I'm not sure that has been answered. If it is has, I apologize...I forgot. But again, I'm not adopted so excuse any thoughts that I don't understand. But then, I also don't understand why bio-mom WANTS to be there. She's got to know that it can't be comfortable for your family. It's just odd. If I had given someone up for adoption and this was now happening, I feel I'd be more than happy to watch a DVD of the entire thing with you and Andrew after the big day. And with the letter, I think that was nice, but I think it would have been better if it was just sent without any mention of bio-mom. I would have just called her at the end of the week or waited til she called you to thank you for the note and then mention it. She is probably fed up about hearing about bio-mom. Again, this is just from a mom's point of view. :) Please excuse anything that I write that upsets you - I'm not trying to do that, this is just my take on the whole thing since you are sharing. :) Nobody can understand your feelings about this better than you can, so I'm totally not trying to come across as a know-it-all on this! ;)

    But I think it really comes down to this - you need to tell your family how you really feel about things (not enjoying the holidays - the way you feel awful about it - the way your dad protects your mom or the way your mom won't confront an issue straight on). This I can relate to because I recently did this with some of my family and it wasn't pretty but it did help with how I was feeling.

    Whatever you choose, you need to do what YOU want to do. Again, it is your wedding and you're really going to need to be in a mindset to enjoy it and not worry about other people on that day. Otherwise, it's all for nothing. :(

    I wish you the best of luck with this. This CANNOT be easy for you - it's difficult reading it. I look forward to hearing the rest of this story. Thank you for sharing.

    Big, big hugs to you.

  4. Kymberli, I don't think I've explicitly stated why I want bio-mom at the wedding so you didn't forget or miss anything. It definitely isn't to show how far I've come in life... because I don't think I've done anything spectacular with my life and I don't view marriage as an accomplishment. Any idiot can get married. I view this wedding simply as a celebration and I want bio-mom there for the same reason I want anyone I care about to be there. I'm not doing courtesy invites to cousins that I haven't talked to in years. I think that's bullshit. I'm not inviting a ton of people at all. But I talk to bio-mom every day and it's been great and very easy getting to know her. The same might be said for any friend chosen randomly from the guest list. There is no big, grand reason why I want her there. Unless this counts - I would have sought her out if I knew I was adopted and we could have had a relationship long ago. I can let bygones be bygones when it comes to that because I can't change the past, no point in dwelling. But for now, I figure I've lost a lot of time with her and her daughter and I don't want to lose any more.

    And she hasn't asked to come. It was my idea to invite her. When I told her I wanted her there she said, "Only if your parents are okay with it." She's not to blame for any of this upset. It's all me. I'm the jerk with the big idea. Yes, I'm dramatizing that statement a bit, but not entirely. I don't want to be an asshole who never has any self-reflection. I want to figure out what I'm doing wrong in this or any other situation.

    As for the letter, the reason I mentioned bio-mom is because that was the entire point of the letter. I had trouble bringing this up in person and because my parent's wouldn't bring it up, that left the task to me. I thought the letter might be a good way to prepare my mom for my phone call. I thought maybe if I gave her some prep time, she'd be more ready and actually talk about it rather than just brushing over it and not getting anywhere with the conversation. And I also put in the letter more things like, "Thank you for all you do for me," and "You'll always be my mom." I don't remember exactly what I said because I was so nervous writing it.

    Thank you for your feedback. It's good to have other points of view. It helps me think about things in new ways. I'm over it being "not easy" for me, honestly. That's life. And it could be worse. I am just getting a bit tired of my parents putting me in bad situations (ie. I found out the horrible way I did because they never told me like they should have, plus they're unwilling to have an honest conversation about it so it leaves me stressing about how to bring things up, and now having to explain to them why I want her there puts me in a horrible place because if I let it go, then I'm sacrificing something I want, and if I fight it, it may hurt them more because they could think, "Why is bio-mom so important to her? Why does she want her there so bad?" when in fact I don't want her there "so bad," I just want her there the same way I want my friends there).

  5. OK, now after this entire explanation, your feelings TOTALLY make sense!! I see things completely differently from your side now! Especially when you say, "I've lost a lot of time with her and her daughter and I don't want to lose any more." Totally. get. it. now!! On that note, if it were me, she would be coming and adoptive(?) mom has been offered a choice in meeting her beforehand to make things more comfortable. If she doesn't choose to do that, you at least tried. And you have every right to feel angry about this. Like you said, if they would have told you about this instead of finding out the way you did, your relationship might have been completely different.


  6. I'm a little late in reading your blog and have dedicated some time this Sunday to catch up on the family vs. family situation. Im going to be very blunt, frank, and opinionated. Christina, your mother needs to get over it, and guess what.... she will! I think your mom is manipulating you and playing games by dodging your questions and crying, instead of actually accepting what is. I have empathy for your mom being jealous of bio-mom or feelings like she is losing you in some way, but those are her issues that she should not be dumping onto you to fix or take care of. Of course, I support you, and hope that you listen to what you want. You only get married once (or you plan on it that way). Whenever you get married, you are going to hurt someone's feelings, disappoint someone, or not live up to someone's standards. My mom was hurt because I did not put on my invitation that "She and my father were giving me away". She was looking for that validation. But guess what, I'm a grown ass woman that gave myself away. She was also hurt by a number or things. My sister were both hurt in some way that they were not asked to be bridesmaids in my wedding. Of course, they never told me this, but it something you know. It was my day. Not their day. Sorry for my rant, it's just I feel for you, but also know that even if you did not invite your bio-mom there will be some other reason someone feels slighted. It's the nature of a wedding and the nature of families.