Thursday, October 1, 2009


When I told my dad that I was meeting bio-mom, he advised me not to tell my mom about it. Right off the bat, I knew that was terrible advice. He said, "She gets emotional about it. It's best not to tell her." His 'protecting' looks a lot like a complete lack of confidence in his spouse... and his children... and the entire human race for that matter. I mean come on, they HAD to know this stuff would happen, right? And it's not like THEY just found out that I was adopted. They have known it for 30 years! And they knew for 2 years before that as they waited for a child to adopt. They knew that they should tell their child she was adopted when she was young (as advised by everyone they knew). They knew that the possibility would arise that their child would seek out her birth parents whether out of sheer curiosity or rebellion or whatever. They knew what they were getting into. The idea of not telling my mother that I met bio-mom is completely ridiculous. I can't go on for the rest of my life pretending that this never happened. I think that's what my dad wants. It's probably what my mom wants too.

So, just like I was a teenager again (or an adolescent or a toddler - okay, I've always been like this), I didn't listen to parental advice. I knew my dad wouldn't be mad at me, though. He was never good at staying mad at me. Besides, I am doing the right thing by telling my mom and he knows that. What is there to argue? I delayed telling her. I knew I shouldn't tell my mom about it before I met bio-mom because I didn't want her to sit and stew over what we might be doing or talking about over the entire weekend. I figured I would just tell her after we met and then I could tell her how it went and do everything at once. I also wanted to probe a bit... ask my mom, "Do you want me to tell you about this stuff?" and let her have the chance to speak for herself.

So, I made the call. Luckily, my mom had a lot to tell me about my sister so there was plenty to talk about right off the bat (I'll post about that later because I KNOW many of my friends are interested in my sister's antics). Then as I could tell the conversation was going to die down, I did it. I told her that I met bio-mom and she said something like, "Well, I knew you would want to," and she asked how it went so that was a good sign. No crying either - a very big relief. I told her that it went well without getting into how easy it is to talk to bio-mom and get along with her and be friends. My mom doesn't need to know all the gory details. When I asked her if she wanted to hear about this stuff, I threw in, "I think it's weird to not tell you about this... like I'm doing something wrong and sneaking around. It shouldn't feel like that." She said that it was okay to tell her about it and she even added, "I know that she can't replace me as your mom." It was good to hear her say that because it's true. Even though my mom and I have never been close and even though I talk to bio-mom often and find it very easy to share things with her... I don't have those memories of bio-mom growing up, opening presents on Christmas morning, going on family trips, staying up late and watching movies together.

So I'm glad to get it off my chest and overall it went well. My mom got a few things off her chest too. She indicated where her frustration lies. She said that she feels as though bio-mom broke a promise to her by contacting me. However, bio-mom was 16 and scared when she made that promise, and she made it under the pretense that I would one day know about her. I can see both sides to this argument and I am definitely not taking any sides! Bio-mom does understand her frustration and even my mom understands that it must have been hard for bio-mom to wonder about me all these years. So, at least both can see where the other may be coming from. My mom did, however, throw in, "But it's not like I want to have Thanksgiving dinner with the woman." I guess I can't blame her. I think with time, any frustrations my mom has will wear off. I'm going to see bio-mom again this weekend. We plan to just do lunch and maybe browse around the mall or something. I'm looking forward to it! Then I'll head down to see my mom in San Diego in a week or two. I'm looking forward to that as well!

1 comment:

  1. You are handling all of this with such grace - I hope you are as proud of yourself as the rest of us are of you. Talk about rising to a difficult challenge - really, really well done, IMHO. I support & love you as always.