Pathetic

My birthday is drawing near. I was feeling great about it yesterday. Not so much today. Honestly, it's not about "I'm turning 30, BOOO HOOO I'm old." I don't really feel that way at all. It's just the reflection that comes along with those multiples of 10 birthdays.

I don't know what the ultimate "meaning of life" is. Honestly, I don't believe there is one on a universal level. I think we each make our own meaning. When these birthdays come around, I think about my own. What the heck have I done in the past 30 years that has any meaning? Maybe a few things. But there's some nothing there too. I have no regrets, just some "wish I woulda's."

I have some depressingly pathetic thoughts to add to my personal reflection this year. Finding out I was adopted and how I came to be... there's some discomfort there. Because I exist, a few lives were seriously disrupted. I was a mistake, let's face it. I should not have happened. Yes, so many of us can say the same thing. Very few pregnancies are planned. But I can't escape the thought that my biological mother and her mom might have a better relationship if it weren't for me. She wouldn't have gone through the past 30 years with that sadness looming, wondering about where I was and what became of me. My biological father it seems has had some struggles in life since me (more to come about him) and I know the whole situation was really tough for him so perhaps he wouldn't have had those struggles if it weren't for me.

Yes, I know these thoughts are stupid and I shouldn't have them, hence the title of this post, "Pathetic." I know what people would say in response to this and I can say those things to myself. I just don't think my emotions quite understand. I think my emotions are ESL. They hear what everyone is saying.... they just don't get it.

Even more pathetic, I really don't want to have a birthday party. So many of my friends can't make it... like 90% of them (and for completely understandable, legit reasons). I just kinda feel stupid having a party at this point. I know what will happen.... because it's already started. A nasty bout of sadness where my inner bully taunts me, telling me I have no friends and that I'm unimportant. I know, I know... that isn't true... I'm great, I have lots of friends, blah blah blah.

This is why I'm posting this as opposed to talking about it with anyone. I already know what everyone will say. I can easily say it to myself. Hearing what I already know will just make me feel stupid on top of it for even having these feelings. The good thing is, I know it will go away. It always does. I know I have the best partner in life that anyone could ever ask for and it will be a wonderful birthday mostly because of him. I also know I have great friends and I love and appreciate each and every one of them.