Angry

I got a call from my dad today. And before I share what happened, I should offer a tiny bit of background...

Andrew & I went with my parents to take a look at the wedding site last weekend and also to interview some vendors. I thought I might take the chance to talk to them about the bio-mom situation too. When I spoke to my mom about it weeks ago, I presented it like this:

"I would like to invite bio-mom to the wedding and I think it would be awkward to meet there for the first time. Perhaps we should arrange a meeting before that, but I'll leave it up to you to decide how, when, and where. Just think about it, talk about it with Dad, and we'll talk about it later."

I heard nothing from them about it after that, but I knew I would have to be the one to bring it up again, so no big surprise.

During our trip this weekend, I was just looking for the right time to bring it up. But considering we were talking about lots of wedding decisions AND money, there was already enough stress lingering in the air. I did not bring up bio-mom. But I did take the advice of another completely brilliant and wonderful friend to write my mom a letter. It basically went like this:

"I just want to say thank you for coming with us this weekend. I'm glad you got to see the wedding site. We had fun and I hope you did too. I know we didn't get the chance to talk about [bio-mom], but I just want to remind you that you have nothing to worry about. I'll give you a call at the end of the week so we can talk about it. Thanks again for coming this weekend. Love, Christina"

I realized how dumb I was right after I sent the note. I basically told them exactly when to turn the ringer off on their phone. And no, I'm not exaggerating. My mom does screen her calls. And yes, from me too. This is a fact. So, I called on Friday night. Ring, ring, ring. Ring, ring, ring. Answering machine. Tried my mom's cell too. Voicemail. Tried again on Saturday afternoon. More ringing. Answering machine. Voicemail on my mom's cell. And now we come to the start of this blog entry, the phone call today (Sunday). It's my dad on the line. They're taking care of our dogs for us while we are out of town for a week over spring break. My dad first wanted to talk about that, when we are meeting up for them to get the dogs. Then he brought it up. It went something like this:

"I want to talk to you about something else. We got your note. Thank you, it was very nice. You mentioned [bio-mom] in there. How important is it to you that she comes to the wedding?"

At that point, I wanted to scream. I wanted to tell him, "Fuck off," and "Put my mom on the phone" so I can tell her to do the same and call her a chicken and an embarrassment to woman-kind for not calling me herself. The damn note I sent was addressed to her. Only to her. But I can't fucking shake her bodyguard. And he's such a damn salesman... he can out talk anybody. I don't stand a chance in hell.

I didn't say any of these things. I tried to reinforce what I have already told them:

"She'll be sitting in the 'friend' section."

and

"I wouldn't have brought all this up if I didn't feel completely comfortable inviting her - she isn't trying to act like my mom. She isn't being pushy or anything."

and

"There is nothing to worry about."

I felt like a damn child trying to convince them to let me go to my friends house for a party. "But Daa-aaad... nothing bad's gonna happen!"

My dad said that whenever they talk about it, my mom starts crying and gets all upset. He said they know that they're still my parents and that there's nothing to worry about and blah blah blah. So I asked, "Then why does she get so upset?" He said he didn't know. That he has asked her and she can't explain it. Fuck that. He's lying to me. How can he not know? She just starts crying and then the conversation ends? Is she a 2-year-old? I really don't appreciate being lied to any longer. This is the kind of shit that makes me not want to see them. I do not enjoy the holidays with them. I haven't for years. LONG before I found out I was adopted. And I feel like a bad person for it. No, that's putting it too mildly. I feel like a horrible, rotten, monster, mega-bitch for it. Like there's something wrong with me. They're my family. I should want to see them and hang out with them. I should feel connected to them. What's wrong with me? And a few people have questioned me or looked at me cross-eyed over the idea that I want to invite bio-mom to the wedding at all. Like, why should I care? Or why would I want to disrespect my parents like that? Bio-mom had nothing to do with the person I am, so she doesn't "deserve" to be there. And that makes me feel horrible too. Even though there are dozens of voices who do understand this, the few who look at me like I'm a monster are echoing a bit louder in my head.

I'm really angry right now. Over this and over everything. I don't want to do any of it at this point. I sort of want to move away by myself for a while. Live on a ranch in the Midwest. But then again, I'm sure I'd get burned at the stake or stoned to death for my big mouth, outlandish social views and refusal to accept Christ as my lord and savior. There will just be more people to tell me I'm horrible (same ole, same ole), but for all new reasons (a delightful change). I think the two cancel each other out and I'm back to square one.

When I got off the phone with my dad he gave me the same courtesy, "Think about it" that I gave them. And I am. I'm thinking about uninviting bio-mom. I'm thinking about uninviting them. I'm thinking about eloping. I'm thinking about exactly how I can get my way in all of this... find a way to make my parents get over it so bio-mom can come. Those of you who know me best, know that I really love to get my way. I know, everyone else does too. But seriously... I REALLY REALLY love it. And I've gotten very good at it. So, I'll continue to ponder. Well actually, I'm going to sit in my anger for a bit longer. I can't shake it that fast this time. Yes, I know they love me and I do appreciate the value of accepting and loving people for their faults... but I'm really fucking pissed at them. I've had some anger towards them for lots of things over the years but I've loved them through it anyway. For things they have (and haven't) done to me, to my siblings, to each other, to themselves, to others... it's getting to be a pretty big shit pile. I keep shoving it in the closet, but the door is starting to bulge. I've really got my work cut out for me this time.

I want to keep on thanking friends for the advice, but please let me say this... if you choose to defend my parents, please do so gently. Because I may just open up that closet door and let some shit start spilling out. I doubt anyone would defend them for too long if they saw everything in there.

Advice, Please!?!

No, there hasn't been another discussion with my mom about bio-mom coming to the wedding (I know you're wondering). I'm going to have to be the one to bring it up, otherwise it will go ignored. I just haven't found the right time for it yet. And bio-mom does know about the situation. I discussed it with her first, told her that I would like to invite her but I'll talk to my parents about it. She said she would love to be there as long as they were comfortable.

But what I need advice on is a little different. Andrew & I are creating a wedding website. We're writing our personal stories (he's writing mine and I'm writing his). Do we put in the story that I am adopted? Andrew's question was, "Why not?" My answer - "because it may hurt my mom." But it's weird to not reveal that, right? Most everyone knows anyway. And it's not like it's something horrible to conceal. It's not on level with "heroine addiction" or anything. My thought is: don't include the story of how I found out, just mention it later on in the narrative - something like, "Christina is adopted and has spent a little time recently getting to know her biological mother and her family." I guess it could be said in the beginning, "Adopted from birth, Christina grew up in Las Vegas..." But for some reason, I feel like that will sting my mom... the fresh memory of everything that's happened this past year, the pain, the worry that I would be mad and she would lose me, the worry that I feel somehow less "her's," etc. But I don't want it to be the elephant in the room. I want it to just be no big deal (although it does not appear that way considering how much I fret over it).

So, how do I include this in the bio? Or should I not include it? I just can't wait for the wounds to close. It's exhausting tip-toeing around everything. I was also thinking tonight about the rehearsal dinner on Friday night. It's supposed to be just family and the wedding party. Andrew asked if bio-mom was invited and I said, "no." He asked "why?". I said, "Because it will hurt my mom." But I wouldn't mind having her there. Partly because, the family count at the rehearsal dinner and wedding is about 40. 6 of that 40 are my family. The rest is obviously Andrew's. If the snapping starts and a Jets-vs.-Sharks-like turf war breaks out, we're toast. Except my wedding party is pretty tough. I'd put some money on them. Still... it would be nice to be able to think of bio-mom and company as extended family, without driving my mother to the prozac.

Any ideas, my friends???
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Update, Tuesday, 3/11 at 9:50am:

I think I'm gonna tell Andrew not to include it in the bio for the wedding website. I don't think it will have a place there. And that's not just to protect my mom. It's because that is supposed to be a little more lighthearted. I'll see what Andrew writes and maybe it will have an appropriate place to fit in. Otherwise, I'll leave it out.